it's no happenstance

my roommates and friends from back in college all knew of my winter ritual. come december, i'd lock myself in my apartment and was writing a report about where i was in my life in these five places: 1) relationships (romance, friendship, family, mentor, mentees), 2) finances, 3) professional, 4) spiritual and 5) health. this report would take a good week or so to write up, composed of an evaluation of the past year and also goals for my next year in those areas.

i know this sounds incredibly anal. trust me, i was not so uptight as it sounds. ;) i learned about this exercise when my high school mentor was sharing about how he strived to live a balanced life and he always seeked to make sure that all five of those areas were tended to. i'd admired that and wanted to be deliberate, too, in living a balanced life. i wanted to learn to care for it like i was a prize and live abundantly.

i share this and write about it mostly because this year is the first year (in my adult life) that i have absolutely no desire to do a thorough census of my relationships and evaluate how much i've progressed and am progressing in my life. during my vacation out of LA this past month, i wondered why this was the case. i didn't know why it didn't feel right to kick off my year in this way. it just didn't make sense to.

tonight, driving back from my friend's wedding it started coming together for me. as i was thinking of joyce and geo's marraige, i couldn't help but start dwelling on how good it feels to love and how much the experience of loving is unbridled and unabashed. this is a weird connection, but this made me realize why i'm okay with where i'm at now. i'm currently in a place where i don't want to be in so much control anymore. for the first time in a long while, i have no idea where my career is headed. i have no idea who i will fall in love with. i have no idea if my good friends (who happen to be local) will stay local or move away. i have no clue how drastically life may change within this year. where my life used to be 75% planned and 25% unplanned, i'm at a place where everything is upside down. most of my life is left to mystery. it frightens me yet it seems right to welcome it almost as if everything is urging me to loosen my death grip over my life and just wait. i'm noticing that i'm searching again, wanting to get connected to my life's purpose (as cheesy as that sounds) and not always be in search of solutions in response to problems and circumstances with my job, my family, the men i'm dating, etc. i feel alert and aware. and in being this way, there is a growing desire in me (again) to invest in people and to the desire to be deeply moved in a personal way. i haven't been this way in a very long time.

i spoke to a coworker yesterday about how she met her husband. she was on her way to south africa to spend time with her ex-boyfriend at the time who had paid for her ticket and all for a short rendezvous. on her flight, she met her current husband. they met on the plane and were engaged within 3 months. we talked about her life leading up to that point and i shared, "you know. at a first glance, your meeting with your husband may seem like chance or that it was some magical moment. but when i hear your story, it makes so much sense to me how it happened. things led up to it so that your meeting with him would make logical sense." she smiled and responded, "you know what's funny? you're absolutely right. you're the first person who has said that but that's how i feel. i had taken steps to get there to be at that moment and when we met, it just made perfect sense. it wasn't happenstance."

i don't know how to explain it coherently and this isn't to say that i'm going to be meeting my special person this year (ha). but, her story resonates with me. this period for me when my life seems like it can be shaped into anything - this moment in time - is not happenstance for me. i've taken steps to be here. circumstances have contributed, my environment has played a part. but, my life up to this point was lived mindfully and deliberately and i don't know why it's led me here but i'm here and it feels right. it feels right that again i feel this pull to pray, not out of desperation or need, but because i'm being urged to listen, be still and enjoy.